


at the end of my winter (you wait for me)

by miraebbi



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chaptered, Childhood Friends to Lovers, Drama, M/M, Pining, Romance, Unrequited Love, this author needs to stop being so dramatic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:28:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29350482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miraebbi/pseuds/miraebbi
Summary: Juyeon wants to move on, but Hyunjae makes it impossible to let go
Relationships: Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Juyeon
Comments: 54
Kudos: 169





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone!! i'm finally back with another fic :D sorry this took so long i was supposed to finish this by the end of jan but there were way too many changes that needed to be made. anyways thank you so much for giving this fic a chance, i genuinely hope you all enjoy it <3

chapter 1 - _at the end of the cold winter, you who's waiting for me_

A sitcom drones on in the background, fading into white noise. Juyeon can barely hear the words being said, mind drifting off as his eyelids start to droop, sleep slowly pulling him under. He’s on the verge of dozing off when his doorbell rings, the high pitched chime snapping him right out of his drowsiness. 

His head jerks and he sits up, squinting at the door. “Who is it?” he calls out, slightly irritated and a little confused - he isn’t expecting anybody today. There’s no response. He thinks it must have been an accident when the bell rings again, followed by a few urgent knocks, rapid and successive. 

“Coming!” Juyeon yells, running a hand through his unkempt hair and shuffling to the door. He yanks open the door, forcing his lips into a polite smile. 

But the sight that greets him makes his smile drop, right along with his heart.

Hyunjae is standing there, tears streaming down his face. His hair is an unruly mess, eyes rimmed bright red as he rubs at them, trying to wipe away the tears but a fresh wave of them appears, rendering his action useless. 

“Juyeon I….” he whispers, trying to complete his sentence but his voice cracks. He clamps his lips together in frustration, staring at the ground as he tries to compose himself. 

“Shit, what’s wrong? What happened?” Juyeon asks urgently, pulling Hyunjae into his arms. And that’s all Hyunjae needs to let go, throwing his arms around Juyeon’s shoulders and wailing loudly. Juyeon uses his leg to kick the door close before scooping the crying boy into his arms, carrying him bridal style to the couch and settling down. Hyunjae may be older but he looks so small right now, curled into a tight ball in Juyeon’s lap. 

“Jacob...he...he broke up with me”

Juyeon stills. “Oh..” he says only after a long pause, “oh I’m….I’m so sorry” He strokes Hyunjae’s back, running his hand up and down, hoping it’s comforting because he doesn’t know what to say. 

Hyunjae cries, dirtying his shirt with tears and snot but he doesn’t mind, holding him tighter instead. They stay like that until Juyeon’s leg starts to feel numb, begging to be stretched but he doesn’t move. 

“He was so nice about it but..” Hyunjae whispers, finally speaking, “but I’m still so...it still hurts...so much” Juyeon rests his cheek against the curly mop of hair nestled under his chin. “I’m sorry,” he says again. It’s not his fault, but he can’t seem to stop apologising.

There’s another bout of silence, Hyunjae’s crying gradually reducing to quiet sniffling, tears long dried. The question is burning in Juyeon’s mind, and he can’t help but ask-

“Why did he want to break up? Did he tell you?”

Hyunjae unexpectedly inhales sharply at that, sniffling coming to an abrupt halt. He pushes himself off Juyeon’s lap, settling down in the spot next to him instead. Juyeon immediately starts to panic. “I’m sorry were you not ready to-”

“Can you make a hot chocolate for me?” Hyunjae asks hurriedly, cutting Juyeon off. Juyeon takes it as a sign that he doesn’t want to talk about it so he quickly shuts up, shoving the words back down his throat. 

“With extra marshmallows and whipped cream?” Juyeon asks instead, despite already knowing the answer. 

Hyunjae smiles. A small one, but it’s enough to put Juyeon at ease. “Of course” 

Juyeon returns with the hot chocolate in hand, carefully passing it to him. Hyunjae takes it, curls into Juyeon’s side and sips it till he falls asleep, exhausted from all his crying. 

Juyeon manoeuvres him to lay down on the couch, resting his head against the pillow before tucking him in with a thick blanket. His gaze lingers over those tear-stained cheeks and with his heart breaking in his chest, he leans down and presses a kiss against Hyunjae’s forehead. 

“I wouldn’t do this to you” Juyeon whispers, brushing a strand of hair out of the older’s face. 

_But you won’t give me a chance._

_____

The song playing makes Juyeon cringe, nothing but repetitive beats accompanied by a pitchy voice that grates his ears. It’s loud, too loud - he can feel it thrumming through his veins. He’s never been one for clubbing, much rather a bar with soothing jazz, but he makes an exception for tonight because Hyunjae wanted to go. 

Hyunjae has decided that in order to move on from this break up he needs to get absolutely wasted at a club and go home with a face he will quickly forget. So here Juyeon is, burning with jealousy as he watches Hyunjae throw his head back on some random guy’s shoulder, making out with him sloppily. 

He slams his glass down on the table, earning him a frown from Eric. “You good?”

“Yeah” he replies curtly. Eric follows his gaze, sighing in realisation. Juyeon doesn’t miss the note of pity it contains, and he’s torn between feeling annoyed or just accepting it because frankly he’s rather used to it. 

“You can go home you know? I’ll take care of him”

“It’s fine” Juyeon dismisses, shaking his head. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Eric, but he feels uneasy leaving. And maybe, there’s a small part of him that is hoping that Hyunjae ends up ditching his initial plan.

Juyeon had hoped the dim lights in the club had concealed it, but Eric still somehow sees the longing in his eyes and lets out another deep sigh. 

“Juyeon…” Juyeon already knows what’s going to come next, he tries to cut Eric off but Eric’s mouth is moving quicker. 

“You really need to move on. You can’t keep pining like this forever”

“I know” Juyeon snaps, instantly feeling bad but he can’t help it, he’s annoyed. It’s frustrating to be in this situation. Logically, he knows it’s terrible for him, but the human heart is awfully stubborn and feelings just refuse to go away even when they are desperately unwanted. 

Life’s a real pain in the ass sometimes. 

For a fleeting second, Juyeon wished he never met Hyunjae but immediately shakes his head, shoving that thought out of his mind. How could he say that about his best friend? He’s horrible. 

But the thought reappears when Hyunjae comes over to them with a stranger attached to his side to pick up his coat, informing them that he’s leaving with a high pitched giggle. It burns in his mind when the man presses a sloppy kiss to the back of Hyunjae’s neck and Hyunjae lets him, dragging him out of the club with too much eagerness. 

And it stays in his mind for the rest of the night as he downs shot after shot of soju, welcoming the bitter taste it leaves in his mouth. 

_____

“Juyeonie can you come to pick me up? I’m really tired and my whole body hurts.”

Juyeon doesn’t waste a second, grabbing his keys and dashing out of the door, leaving the breakfast he was eating to grow cold on his dining table. He punches in the address Hyunjae sends him into his GPS and drives over as fast as he can, cutting lanes at every chance he gets. The sooner he can get Hyunjae away from that stranger and back to his side, the better. 

He pulls up at the apartment complex. Hyunjae opens the passenger car door, climbing in. “Thank you so much Juyeonie! Sorry for troubling you” he says, flashing Juyeon an apologetic smile. 

Juyeon tries to return one of his own, but the dark hickies that litter Hyunjae’s neck burns his eyes, mocking him to no end. 

“Did you have fun?” 

Hyunjae tilts his head in confusion before he looks down to where Juyeon’s gaze is insistently focused at. He blushes, hurriedly fumbling for his concealer to cover up the marks. 

“It was alright” he mumbles, pulling down the passenger seat mirror from the overhead compartment. “Not bad but nothing great”

His words help calm Juyeon’s raging jealousy a little, just a little. Juyeon forces himself to look away, starting the car engine with a shift of gear that he hopes Hyunjae didn’t notice was a little too aggressive. 

“Do you want to eat something? _Kongnamul-guk_?” He asks as if he doesn’t already know that’s Hyunjae’s favourite dish to eat after a night of heavy drinking. 

“That’s exactly what I was thinking of! You know me so well Juyeonie”

Of course he does. 

They sit in the restaurant - it’s more of a hole in the wall, squashed between old repair shops. Space is rather tight inside, they both have to squeeze into a small corner with chairs a little too low for comfort. 

Their food arrives late, and the owner is rather stingy with the side dishes. The soup is too watery and the bean sprouts are rather undercooked. The blazing afternoon sun is creeping in, shining directly in Juyeon’s eyes and he has to inconvenience himself by eating with one hand, the other pressed against his forehead to protect his vision.

But still, Juyeon has never felt more content. Hyunjae is seated opposite him, munching happily on his food, the soup doing wonders for his hangover despite it’s mediocre quality. He’s telling Juyeon about an incident that happened back in his apartment that involves Sunwoo and a toaster and it makes Juyeon laugh so hard till his cheeks hurt. They talk for hours, flowing from one conversation to the next with ease. 

It’s easy with Hyunjae - he never has to rush himself to respond quicker or rack his brains for something more interesting or funny to say. He can just be himself - Lee Juyeon - nothing less and nothing more. 

And perhaps Hyunjae is the only person who makes him feel this way. 

Juyeon stares at his best friend, enamoured with the way his long lashes cast shadows over his cheeks in the radiant sunlight. Even with his bare face in a hungover state, Hyunjae still looks breathtaking, and it feels almost illegal to make him sit in such a dingy eating house instead of bringing him to one of Korea’s finest restaurants.

Hyunjae glances up, meeting Juyeon’s gaze. He thinks it’s some kind of staring competition and he’s awfully competitive so he widens his eyes, doing his best to keep them open, throwing a piece of rice at Juyeon to distract him. Juyeon jerks back with a yelp when the grain sticks to his face and it makes Hyunjae burst into a fit of giggles, eyes curved into two crescent moons with a smile so sweet and warm and Juyeon feels like he’s falling in love all over again. 

He wants to move on, but Hyunjae makes it impossible to let go. 

_____

Juyeon nearly throws his pen in the air when a body suddenly slides into the seat next to him, yanking his earbud right out of his ear. “Younghoon?” Juyeon whispers, careful to keep his voice soft because they were in the library, “what do you want?” Younghoon props his chin on his hand, maintaining a look of casual indifference. 

“Tonight. 7 pm. You, me, Hyunjae, Changmin. Dinner”

Juyeon’s eyes widen - now Younghoon has his full attention. “Changmin? Your new boyfriend? You’re finally introducing him to us?” 

Younghoon’s cool demeanour slips and now he’s blushing like a schoolboy, fidgeting with his hands shyly. “Yeah, things have been going really well, I think this one is really going to last so I thought I should introduce him to my best friends”

Juyeon feels a pang of jealousy but he quickly ignores it, focusing on the rush of excitement instead. “Congrats! I’m so happy for you!” He gives Younghoon a pat on the shoulder, grinning widely. 

“Hyunjae could really learn a thing or two from you,” Younghoon says, starting to wince. “When I told him just now and he started yelling so loudly. We were right in the middle of the canteen! God I literally wanted to die” Juyeon snorts, he really didn’t expect anything else. 

“Anyways, I will text both of you the address, me and Changmin will meet you there. You can come with Hyunjae, or by yourself, whatever is convenient” Juyeon nods, waving goodbye when Younghoon leaves. 

He still has a few hours left before 7 so he spends the remaining time completing his assignments, slipping in a few breaks in between to read the new book he bought. He sends Hyunjae a text to meet him at the parking lot outside their library. 

Juyeon heads out of the library at 7 on the dot, not wanting to be late to such an important dinner. He waits for Hyunjae at the staircase, scrolling through his phone mindlessly when there’s a tap on his shoulder. 

He lifts his head up, expecting to see Hyunjae but it’s Seungkwan, one of his close friends. Juyeon greets him with a wide smile, exchanging a quick handshake. 

“Why are you just standing around?” 

Juyeon pushes his phone into his pocket. “I’m just waiting for someone” 

They start chattering, sharing about their day and assignments. Seungkwan is a natural comedian, making the most mundane topics absolutely hilarious and it has Juyeon doubling over with laughter, practically leaning his entire weight on the shorter male. 

Seungkwan is ranting about a teacher that has Juyeon nearly on the verge of tears when a voice cuts through, interrupting them. “Juyeon”

The two of them turn around to see Hyunjae standing at the foot of the stairs, mouth pressed into a tight-lipped smile. “Oh, you’re here? Sorry I didn’t see you there” 

Seungkwan apologises too, greeting Hyunjae with a friendly wave, to which the older returns with a small one of his own. Juyeon hugs Seungkwan goodbye before making his way down the stairs to Hyunjae. “Sorry, I was holding us back. Let’s go before we’re late” 

“What were you guys talking about? You were laughing so hard”

Juyeon thinks back to the conversation he just had, and he starts chuckling just thinking about it. “Oh it’s nothing, Seungkwan is just really funny” 

Hyunjae doesn’t respond, nodding quietly instead. He remains like that all the way to the bus stop, staring down at his feet without saying a word. Juyeon looks over at him, frowning in concern. “Are you okay?” 

Hyunjae’s head snaps up. “Me?” he asks, “Oh yeah I’m fine just….uh...just a little tired. I was up last night rushing a project”

Juyeon clicks his tongue, cupping Hyunjae’s cheek to run his thumb underneath his eye. “Your dark eye circles are pretty bad. You should really sleep more” 

Hyunjae’s breath hitches, staring at Juyeon with wide eyes before hurriedly swatting his hand away, opening the front camera on his phone. “What do you mean you can see my dark eye circles? I spent so much time putting on a concealer today!”

Juyeon raises his eyebrows as Hyunjae makes a big fuss, pouting as he tilts his head in various angles, examining his face on the screen. He reaches over and presses the lock button, causing the phone screen to go black. 

“Why are you so worried? You’re still pretty either way” Juyeon mumbles under his breath, but Hyunjae hears him, telling from the way his head snaps over, eyes wide. 

_Shit_.

“Pretty ugly” Juyeon quickly blurts out, “no amount of concealer can save you” It’s a weak attempt to cover up his slip up, and right now he’s praying to every god that it works. It does. Hyunjae stares at him for a second before bursting out into laughter, whacking his arm as hard as he can. 

They sit on the bench, pulling their jackets tight as they wait for the bus to arrive. Juyeon glances over at the gap between them, contemplating whether to shift over and close it. 

He doesn’t. 

_____

Younghoon and Changmin are already there when they arrive at the venue, just a simple western restaurant 20 minutes away from their campus. Younghoon munches on the free breadsticks given, one arm holding the back of Changmin’s chair, greeting his two friends with a lazy wave. Changmin immediately sits up straight when they arrive, eyes bright and nervous. 

To Younghoon’s relief, Hyunjae and Juyeon instantly hit it off with Changmin. Hyunjae and Juyeon spend the first 15 minutes cooing over how cute Changmin is - with Juyeon even poking Changmin’s cheek, much to Younghoon’s chagrin. 

They order their dishes before slipping into a conversation that flows as smoothly as the wine they daintily sip from large rounded glasses. They start with the big question of how the two got together, owing to both Juyeon and Hyunjae’s eager prodding. Younghoon hides his face behind the sleeve of his sweater, cheeks red as Changmin shares the story of how Younghoon confessed to him - flowers and all. Hyunjae starts whooping so loudly that Juyeon has to hush him with a pat on his back, as how he always does when the older needs to be reminded to lower his volume. 

(Younghoon attempts to chuck a breadstick at him but Changmin quickly has his wrist in a grip and Juyeon protects Hyunjae’s face by hiding it behind his large hand, snorting when Hyunjae peeks out just to stick his tongue out tauntingly) 

“So Changmin, what do you study?” Juyeon asks, bringing a spoonful of pasta to his mouth. 

Changmin’s eyes immediately light up, a wide grin splitting across his face. “Dance! I study dance, I want to be a dancer one day, maybe even open up my own studio”

Juyeon’s eyes widen. “That’s so cool!” He’s also a dancer, even though it’s just a hobby for him. Nevertheless, he’s still just as passionate. 

“Juyeonie here also dances” Hyunjae supplies helpfully, which makes Changmin glow with delight. “Really?” The two rattle on about different dance genres while Hyunjae and Younghoon listen, trying their best to understand but not being quite successful. 

“What about you two? What do you guys study?”

“I’m studying aviation. I want to be a pilot” Juyeon says, to which Changmin nods enthusiastically. The conversation centres there for a while before Changmin switches it to Hyunjae. “What about you Hyunjae?”

Hyunjae’s head snaps up. “Me?” he stutters, looking a little lost. “Oh um...I’m studying business” 

“Oh! What industry are you planning to go into in the future?”

“Oh um...I’m not really sure yet” Juyeon glances over at him, notices the discomfiture around his actions, how he bites his lip, aimlessly picking at the crust of his pizza. But before anyone else can pick up on the anomaly in his behaviour he hurriedly switches the topic, launching into a rant about one of the group projects he has to complete. Juyeon quickly forgets about it, his attention snatched away by the loud laughter that comes from Changmin and Younghoon. 

They go to an amusement park afterwards, walking there instead of taking the bus for the sake of their bloated stomachs. Juyeon tugs Hyunjae into his side when a cyclist whizzes past them dangerously, although the latter remains painfully oblivious, too busy arguing with Younghoon on what ride they should go on first.

They end up not going for any of the rides, choosing to play the game stalls or claw machines instead. Changmin can’t stop shrilling in Younghoon’s ear, yelling at him 10 different instructions - “Go right! No, go left! Go up! More up! Higher! Now down! Wait, up again!” 

“I can’t take the pressure!” Younghoon screams, throwing his hands in the air. “You do it!” he tells Hyunjae, pointing towards the claw machine. Hyunjae snorts, strolling over and winning the stuffed toy with relaxed ease, his natural talent for games shining through. Younghoon frowns in jealousy as Changmin squeals excitedly, hugging the toy tightly. 

“Juyeonie, do you want hyung to win you one too?” Hyunjae teases, looking back at Juyeon with a smirk. He’s joking, Juyeon knows he’s joking, but he still looks so attractive and it sets off butterflies in his stomach. “Haha, very funny” Juyeon retorts dryly, fighting back the blush rising to his cheeks. 

The star of the amusement park is the large Ferris wheel that stands proudly in the centre of it all, the small cabins transporting you above Seoul to witness a spectacular view. Younghoon suggests it when they were about to leave despite not being a fan of heights. Juyeon shoots him a knowing look - two people in a tight space with a romantic night view, it’s the perfect idea for a couple. 

A couple, that’s what Younghoon and Changmin are, anyone can tell from their tightly clasped hands, as they walk to the queue for the Ferris wheel, hushed giggles and starry eyes. 

But a couple, that’s _not_ what Hyunjae and Juyeon are, anyone can tell from their hands tucked into their pockets as they follow behind, a careful gap between them, staring straight ahead, looking everywhere else but at each other. 

The ride is popular so they end up queueing for 20 minutes before it’s their turn. Younghoon and Changmin go first, followed by Hyunjae and Juyeon. Hyunjae grumbles a little as he climbs in, whining about how they should have gone on the gyro drop instead. Juyeon shushes him with promises of fried chicken before they go home. 

They sit opposite each other. The car surprisingly has enough space to fit their long legs and Juyeon lets his body relax, slouching against the chair. 

“What do you think Younghoon and Changmin are doing right now?” 

“Probably making out, what else would a couple do in such a private space?”

“Gross” Juyeon scrunches his nose in disgust at the mental image that involuntary pops up in his mind. “Don’t ever make me picture Younghoon in such a context ever again” 

Hyunjae laughs, shaking his head as he looks out beyond the glass, staring at the city that is starting to grow smaller, buildings and streets shrinking into small toys that he could place in the palm of his hand. The lights look like little stars, scattered across the canvas that is their city, yellow and white hues striking in the dark. 

The Ferris wheel comes to a halt, giving those at the top a moment to enjoy the view. Most would be clambering to take photographs, something for their Instagram but Juyeon and Hyunjae simply sit in silence, gazing at the view. 

It’s quiet until Hyunjae speaks, his voice just barely above a whisper. 

“Do you think it’s bad?”

Juyeon blinks, confused. “What’s bad?”

“That I have no idea what I want to do with my life”

Hyunjae looks too weary for a 21 year old as he continues staring out of the window, sullen and brooding. 

“Like...everyone has it all figured out, they all have passions and dreams they want to pursue. Yet here I am, with absolutely….. _no clue_ as to what I want. All my friends have applied for scholarships and internships and then there’s me with nothing, studying some general business degree because I have literally no direction in life and that was the safest option” 

“Even you know what you want and you’re younger than me,” he finishes off, it’s an attempt to cover everything up with a joke, but Hyunjae gives himself away with his laughter - hollow and empty. 

Juyeon shifts forward in his seat. “Hey,” he says softly, tilting his head in a plea for Hyunjae to look at him. Hyunjae does, although it’s hesitant, and Juyeon can see him still trying to appear unbothered, reluctant to let on just how much this is affecting him. Juyeon takes his hand into his own, a silent reassurance that he can let go. 

“Everyone goes at their own pace, you’ll figure it out someday. Don’t compare yourself to others, just focus on yourself and you’ll get there. You’re insanely talented, you’ll be great in whatever you choose to do”

Hyunjae looks at him, eyes heavy with emotion. “You’ll be there, right? To help me figure this out”

Juyeon almost laughs in disbelief, surprised that Hyunjae would even question it. “Of course I will” 

But Hyunjae grips his hand, arm trembling as he does so. “Like..you’re always going to be there for me right? You won’t leave me right?”

Juyeon doesn’t know what to make of the way Hyunjae’s entire body is rigid, staring at him with a look that is borderline desperation. He doesn’t know where all of this is coming from, but it unsettles him and he just wants to pull Hyunjae into his lap and kiss him until it’s all better. 

He doesn’t. But he does place another hand on top of their clasped hands, securing it tightly with a squeeze. “I would never”

“What if I become hard to be around?”

“I’ll still stay”

“What if you need to move far away?”

“I’ll call you” 

“What if we fight?”

“I'll come back to you”

Hyunjae stares at him wordlessly. Juyeon finds himself unable to look away, there's something in Hyunjae's gaze that is holding so _much_. But Hyunjae breaks their eye contact, moving his gaze to the floor and leaning back, hand slipping out of Juyeon's grasp. A tense silence follows, making the small cabin feel claustrophobic, atmosphere awkward at the rare outpour of emotions. It continues until Hyunjae clears his throat, shifting in his seat.

“What if I refuse to listen to TVXQ?”

“Now you’re just crossing the line”

Hyunjae laughs, and just like that the tension breaks, everything melting back to how it was. Hyunjae kicks Juyeon’s ankle, who in turn tsks loudly, swiftly delivering one back. 

They start going back and forth, giggles and loud protests as their feet swing around, just like back when they were 13 years old eating dinner at the dining table until one of their parents scolded them, chiding about how the food might spill. 

Some things just never change. But when Hyunjae looks up and grins at him, Juyeon wishes they could. 

_____

_“Ah-choo!”_

Juyeon groans, sniffling as he rubs his reddening nose, chucking the used tissue paper into the pile growing on his floor. He bends over his dining counter, burying his face into the crook of his elbow. He was supposed to meet Younghoon for dinner but he woke up with an awful cold that’s making his head hurt. The rain pouring outside doesn’t help either, forcing Juyeon to wear extra layers just so that he can stop shivering. 

He stands by the counter, nearly about to doze off when he hears his door click open, followed by a noisy rustling of plastic bags and hurried shuffling of feet. Groggily, he lifts his head up, squinting at the intruder. 

Hyunjae is currently attempting to close the door with his leg, hands too full to be used. His shoes squeak as they move against the floorboard, heavily soaked through with water. 

“What are you doing here?”

Hyunjae shakes his head, flinging off the raindrops that cling to his fringe that is sticking out from beneath his beanie. “Younghoon told me you were sick. Yah, why didn’t you tell me?”

“So you came all the way here? In this rainstorm?”

Hyunjae ignores his question, nagging at him instead. “How many times have I told you to sleep and eat properly, you just won’t listen to me! You’re already 20 years old. Can you please learn how to take care of yourself? Look at you, you look like shit. And why is your apartment so messy look at all the tissues o-”

Juyeon slaps a hand over Hyunjae’s mouth, vastly overwhelmed. “Are you done? You’re so noisy” He looks the older up and down, eyeing his drenched clothes. “You should go to change. You’re shivering” 

Hyunjae pushes Juyeon’s hand away, cheeks turning pink. “I’m going” he mutters, shoving the plastic bags in Juyeon’s arms before hurrying off to his bedroom. Juyeon raises his eyebrows, peering into the bag before jerking back in surprise when he sees the excessive amount of medicine and vitamins. He chuckles, tucking it all neatly into his drawer. 

Moments later Hyunjae walks back into the living room, drying his soaked hair with a towel. Juyeon looks up, and something about the sight of Hyunjae dressed in _his_ clothes makes his stomach flip.

“Are you getting a fever too? Your entire face is red''

Juyeon’s eyes widen, mortified. “Yeah I’m fine” he croaks out, quickly turning away. Hyunjae raises an eyebrow but doesn’t comment further, rummaging through the kitchen to pull out pots and plates instead. 

“You haven’t eaten anything all day right? I bought chicken soup, give me a second let me reheat it” 

They sit on the couch, legs crossed and tucked underneath thick blankets while sipping on their warm soup, watching the rain fall outside. 

“Want to watch a movie?” Hyunjae asks when they have finished. Juyeon nods, handing him the remote to flicker through the selection of films on Netflix, but Hyunjae seems to already have a movie in mind from the puppy eyes he gives. 

Juyeon sighs. “We are not watching iron man _again_ ” 

“Why not! What do you have against cinematic royalty?”

“It’s not even that good of a movie”

Hyunjae gasps loudly, lunging forward to tackle him in a headlock. “Take that back!”

Juyeon grips onto Hyunjae’s arm in an attempt to break free. “Why? Can’t handle the truth?”

“Just because it isn’t that ‘sad sentimental poetic’ shit that you like doesn’t mean it’s not good!”

It’s Juyeon’s turn to gasp. “What’s that supposed to mean? Who says I’m into that shit?”

“Remember when you made me stand next to a tree and listen to you cry about the leaves falling from it for 15 minutes?”

“I was going through puberty! That shit is rough okay”

They end up watching Iron Man despite Juyeon’s initial adamant protests because Hyunjae is incredibly persistent. Juyeon barely pays attention, staring at his phone for most parts because he’s already seen this film countless times (Hyunjae has forced him to watch it with him over and over again since it’s release) 

Halfway through the movie, a clap of thunder suddenly booms, loud and piercing. Hyunjae jumps in his seat, throwing himself onto Juyeon and clutching his arm tightly. Juyeon coos, patting his head soothingly, trying not to laugh. It’s ironic really, that despite being so noisy himself, Hyunjae hates the sound of the thunder because it’s - in his words - “too loud” 

“Shut up!” Hyunjae scolds, shooting a glare to the window as if that would scare the sky into silence. He’s met with another crack of thunder, this time accompanied by a bolt of lightning that strikes across the sky. Yelping loudly, he wraps the blanket over his head to cover his ears. “Okay okay, I was just joking! Chill out” 

“Look at what you’ve done” Juyeon sighs, pinching his nose dramatically as Hyunjae apologises, throwing his hands up in a sign of surrender. But his apologies fall on deaf ears because the thunder rolls on mercilessly with seemingly no intention to stop. 

Hyunjae pouts, pulling his knees to his chest and squeezing his eyes shut, flinching each time it sounds. Juyeon takes pity on the poor thing and shifts closer, placing his large palms over the older’s ears firmly to effectively shut out any sound. 

Hyunjae grins at him sheepishly, giving a thank you that he can’t even hear himself say. They sit like that, face to face, neither saying a word as they wait for the bout of thunder to pass. 

Juyeon stares into Hyunjae’s eyes, how warm they look under the candlelight, and he wants to say it - once, just _once_ in his entire life.

“I’m in love with you” 

His voice is soft, a little shaky, but it’s _certain_ , certain of each and every word. 

Hyunjae tilts his head in confusion. He can see Juyeon’s mouth moving, but with his ears blocked and the thunderstorm raging outside, he can’t hear a thing. “What did you say? I can’t hear you” 

But Juyeon doesn’t repeat himself, keeping his mouth sealed shut. 

So his words get lost in the millions of raindrops falling from the sky, crashing to the ground and vanishing from existence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be uploaded next fri! in the meantime, come talk to me on [twt](https://twitter.com/miraebbi/) or [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/miraebbi%22%22)  
> i really really love hearing what you all think about the fic! also i'm making a playlist for this fic so if you have any songs in mind please share them with me!
> 
> kudos and comments are deeply appreciated! wishing you all a lovely week ahead, see you next fri! <3


	2. chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i did say the next chapter will be uploaded on friday i just didn't say which friday.... i'm kidding i'm SO sorry for the one week delay if you saw my tweet you'll know I went and rewrote like 70% of this chapter because I was really unsatisfied with the draft I was supposed to upload. anyways honestly speaking i'm still really unsatisfied with this chapter i'll probably come back to edit it soon but i didn't want to keep delaying it so here you go! i hope it's still decent ....

chapter 2 - _at the end of winter, you approach me_

There’s a hard whack across Juyeon’s face, rudely jolting him out of his sleep. He’s greeted with piercing sunlight that makes his eyes hurt, followed by a high pitched shrill that makes his _ears_ hurt.

“Rise and shine Juyeonie!” Hyunjae sings, with a brightness that no one should have at 9 a.m in the morning. There’s another hit to his face; this time Juyeon is able to register what it is - a pillow. A pillow which Hyunjae is holding, and is currently using to beat the actual living _shit_ out of him. 

“Stop” he whines, burying his head under his large teddy bear, “go away.” But Hyunjae has never been great at following instructions so he climbs on top of Juyeon, settling himself on the younger’s thighs and snatching away the teddy bear, chucking it in the air. It hits the ceiling with a loud thud before landing right smack onto Juyeon’s face. 

Juyeon hisses in pain. “What is wrong with you?!” 

Hyunjae cackles, loud and high pitched. He’s grinning so wide it looks like it might hurt. “The barista accidentally gave me an extra shot of espresso!”

Juyeon’s eyes slip back shut, inwardly cursing. It’s too early for this. “Hyung come on” he tries pleading, “let me sleep, please? Just for five more minutes''

“No!” Hyunjae replies resolutely, refusing to leave. “Wake up, wake up, wake up” he chants, poking Juyeon’s shoulder. 

“I’m actually going to strangle you alive” 

“Now that isn’t the type of energy we should be starting our mornings with”

“I’m not going to have _any_ energy to start my morning with if you don’t let me sleep!”

“Juyeonie come on!'' Hyunjae whines at the top of his lungs, dragging out each syllabus in a way he knows is annoying. He places both hands on Juyeon’s shoulders, shaking him as hard as he can. 

“Wake up wake up wake up wa-”

Juyeon can only take so much. “I’m already awake!’ he groans, surging upright and grabbing onto Hyunjae’s wrists to make him just _stop_. The thick covers slip off his chest, exposing his shirtless torso to the freezing air. While that makes him shiver uncomfortably, it still isn’t enough to wake him up. He’s sitting upright, but his head lolls forward, eyes closed. 

Hyunjae suddenly stills, going very, very quiet. It unsettles Juyeon, who tilts his head up to ask what’s wrong but the question dies in his throat when he finds the older’s face only mere inches away from his. 

His brain whirs for a moment, trying to process what’s going on. And then it clicks, and then it’s “oh”, followed by “oh _fuck_ ” because Hyunjae is currently sitting on his lap, thighs wrapped firmly around his waist, staring at him with wide eyes. And to make matters worse, Juyeon realises he’s still gripping onto Hyunjae’s wrists, and he has unconsciously held them close to his chest, letting Hyunjae’s fingertips dangerously close to his bare skin. Maybe it was a conscious decision because Juyeon so badly wants to push those dainty fingers closer and feel its touch. 

There’s a tension that settles in, so tangible that Juyeon can taste it on his tongue. Neither of them dares to move an inch, frozen in place, waiting for the other to make the first move. The eye contact is too much; Juyeon feels like if he stares into those eyes any longer he might just do something he shouldn’t do. 

So he tries to move his gaze away, only to find them gravitating towards Hyunjae’s mouth. The rational part of his brain is screaming at him, because what the hell does he think he’s doing but it’s early in the morning and he’s _weak_ , so weak as he stares at those pink lips, imagining how they would taste like.

His inhibitions are nowhere to be found and Juyeon finds himself leaning in - just a centimetre, just to see what Hyunjae’s reaction would be. 

Hyunjae doesn’t lean in, simply staying put. But there’s a dazed look in his eyes and his hands inch forward, fingertips brushing against Juyeon’s skin. 

That only fuels Juyeon’s recklessness and he tilts his head, angling their mouths together, ready to risk it all when Younghoon shrills from downstairs. 

“Yah Hyunjae what’s taking you so long? Is Juyeon awake yet?”

Both of them jump, head snapping towards the door. “Oh uhm…” Hyunjae calls out, voice trembling, “uh yeah! S-sorry! He’s awake! I’m coming!”

Juyeon looks back at Hyunjae but Hyunjae keeps his eyes fixed to the door, cheeks flushed a deep red. “I’ll wait for you d-downstairs” He stutters, hoisting himself off Juyeon and scurrying out of the room. 

Juyeon stands under the showerhead, letting the cold water beat down on him. He hates cold water, but today he needs it, he needs it to jolt him awake and make him come to his goddamn senses.  
“Am I crazy?” he asks himself, scrubbing his hair vigorously. He thinks before shaking his head, trying to rationalise with himself. “No it’s okay, I was just tired, I wasn’t thinking. It’s not my fault”

There’s a pause before he groans loudly, banging his forehead against the wall. “I’m crazy! What the hell was I thinking?!”

But he swears there was something there, the way Hyunjae was staring at him, the second his gaze flickered to Juyeon’s lips which he thinks Juyeon didn’t notice but he did, he noticed it all. 

_Could Hyunjae possibly-_

A sud of soap slides into Juyeon’s eyes. He curses loudly, hurriedly shoving his face under the running water to wash it out. 

“That’s fair I guess” Juyeon mutters, “I was being stupid” 

He trudged down the stairs to his living room, rubbing his eye that is still stinging. “Oh, you’re finally here!” Younghoon calls from the couch in between mouthfuls of pancakes. Hyunjae looks up, twisting his head around. Their eyes meet, and Juyeon is ready for an unbearable awkwardness but Hyunjae flashes him a casual smile, greeting him loudly. 

Juyeon blinks, rather thrown off. Unlike him, Hyunjae is completely at ease, even gesturing to the space next to himself for Juyeon to sit. 

His little hope is crushed, leaving him with a pang of disappointment. He ignores the empty spot next to Hyunjae, squeezing into the tight corner next to Younghoon instead. 

Younghoon is unexpectedly delighted, flopping down onto his lap like an overgrown puppy. “Juyeoniee” he coos, pouring a frightening amount of aegyo into his voice. Juyeon stills, putting his plate down with a sigh. He should have seen this coming, Younghoon wasn’t kind enough to come to his house and make pancakes for him in the early morning without asking for anything in return. 

“What do you want?”

Younghoon barks out a forced laugh, pouring extra maple syrup on Juyeon’s pancakes. “I was just wondering….you know...if I could possibly...maybe...perhaps… use this place to hold a party this weekend?”

Juyeon immediately shakes his head. “Absolutely not, my parents would legitimately kill me if I break anything in this house” 

“They are on a business trip for 2 weeks! That’s more than enough time to buy a replacement” 

“Items in this house are called ‘one of a kind’ for a reason Younghoon, aka there is only _one_ of them in the entire world” 

“Okay but look me in the eye and tell me your parents would notice if we got a fake one from Amazon” 

“My parents _would_ notice if you got a fake one from Amazon!” Juyeon cries, looking at Younghoon - as requested - straight in the eyes. 

“Juyeonie come on!” Younghoon whines, gesturing around the large penthouse with frantic hands, “this is the perfect place for a party! The rest of us live in tiny apartments”

Juyeon can’t argue with that. He’s lucky that his house was conveniently located near his university campus, meaning he didn’t need to rent out one room flats or dorms like the rest of his schoolmates. 

“What even is the occasion?” Hyunjae pipes up in between the sips of his coffee. 

“Changmin just won this big dance competition with his team! I want to give him a celebration” 

Juyeon groans - he can’t say no to that. “Fine, but I’m putting a limit to the number of people who come and you have to clean everything up”

“You’re the best!” Younghoon cries, tackling Juyeon in a big hug who simply stays put, exchanging a look with Hyunjae who laughs. “You’re both invited by the way” 

“We better be,” Hyunjae says, “I want to congratulate Changmin” Juyeon nods, “yeah I mean, I better be given that this is my house” 

“Also…” Younghoon adds hesitantly, looking at Juyeon nervously. “I was also wondering…”

“Just spit it out already” 

“Could you let me and Changmin borrow your room… you know for-”

“Get the hell out” 

“Yeah I deserve that” 

_____

The weekend comes in a blink of an eye. Juyeon and Hyunjae are strolling through the supermarket, helping Younghoon buy food and drinks for Changmin’s party. 

Juyeon is marvelling at the bell peppers when Hyunjae comes skidding in next to him, face pale.

“We have to hide, _now_ ” Hyunjae whispers, urgently tugging Juyeon into the aisle for grains. Juyeon frowns, looking around in confusion. “What? From who?”

Hyunjae hushes him aggressively, randomly grabbing a pasta box to shield their faces. “Hyunwoo is here! 

The name is enough to make Juyeon’s jaw drop. “Are you serious? Where?”

“Saw him at the dairy section with some guy who I think is his boyfriend. Can you believe it? Even an asshole like Hyunwoo can get a boyfriend. Life is so unfair”

It’s a harsh statement, but Juyeon thinks Hyunwoo kind of deserves it. The man has been nothing but a pain in the ass ever since Hyunjae was assigned to be the same group as him for his year-end project. 

“So what’s our game plan?”

“We hide here until he leaves”

“What?! How will we know when he leaves?”

“When the air doesn’t smell like trash anymore”

They stand there for a minute, behind a pasta box that only covers a tiny fraction of their face. Juyeon eventually clears his throat. “You know... hiding behind this box of pasta isn’t exactly as discreet as you think” 

“Can you shut up!’ Hyunjae hisses, “he might hear you!”

“Hyunjae? Is that you?” 

Hyunjae glares at Juyeon, he doesn’t say a word but his message is clear enough - “ _look at what you’ve done_ ” Hyunjae peers out from behind the box, barking out a forced laugh that just sounds more like a weird cry of pain. “Oh my god Hyunwoo! How...surprising to see you here”

Hyunwoo clings onto his boyfriend’s arm, looking Hyunjae up and down. “God Hyunjae I know this is just a supermarket but you don’t need to dress so sloppily”

“Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t have time to dress up, I was too busy completing your parts of the group project which you haven’t done because all you do is slack off” 

Juyeon stands behind Hyunjae, holding in his laughter. Hyunwoo blinks, his fake smile slipping for a good second before it reappears, “Have I introduced you to my boyfriend yet?”

Hyunjae shakes his head. “You don’t need to”

“Oh I insist!”

“No like I really don’t care-”

“His name is Donghyun!” Hyunwoo snaps, before catching himself and putting back on his wide (forced) smile. “We’ve been dating for 3 months now, he makes me the happiest I’ve ever been”

He looks at Hyunjae. “What about you? You’re single, right? Must be hard to get into a relationship after Sungho” 

Juyeon nearly gasps out loud. He can’t believe Hyunwoo just brought up Hyunjae’s cheating ex-boyfriend so blatantly. Hyunjae reels in shock, the tip of his ears burning red. 

There’s a smug look on Hyunwoo’s face as he watches Hyunjae struggle for a response and it just pisses Juyeon off. There’s no way he’s about to let Hyunwoo win this one. 

Juyeon takes Hyunjae’s hand in his before wrapping an arm around him and tugging him back, pressing the older’s back against his own chest. He holds their clasped hands against Hyunjae’s chest, making a big show of interlacing their fingers. “Sungho is a dick who didn’t deserve Hyunjae. Luckily Hyunjae is mine now, and I’ll give him everything he deserves''

Hyunwoo’s eyebrows furrow. “You guys are dating?”

“Yeah I am” Juyeon rushes to answer, “Aren’t I the luckiest?”

Hyunjae can’t manage a response, curled into Juyeon’s hold shyly. Hyunwoo eyes them sceptically, “why haven’t I heard anything about the both of you yet?” It’s a fair question, Hyunjae and Juyeon are both fairly popular in their university, news like this definitely would have spread around. 

“We just started dating, Hyunjae isn’t ready to make our relationship public” Juyeon lies without missing a beat, surprising even himself. “But it’s okay, I don’t mind” 

He can’t pinpoint exactly what emboldens him to do what he does next, but he leans down and presses a kiss to Hyunjae’s cheek, holding it there a little longer than necessary.

“I’ll wait” he murmurs against Hyunjae’s skin before pulling away. If Hyunwoo notices the way Hyunjae’s eyes widen in shock he doesn’t comment on it, walking away in a huff instead. 

Hyunjae waits till Hyunwoo has disappeared from their view before spinning around, staring at Juyeon in disbelief. “What….w-what was that for?”

Right. What was that for? Why did Juyeon have to go kiss Hyunjae on the cheek when it was totally unnecessary?

“Uh...I was just helping you!” he says lamely, “got to make it look believable right?” He finishes off with a burst of nervous laughter, hoping Hyunjae doesn’t ask any other questions. 

“Oh..” Hyunjae croaks out, fiddling with the hem of his jacket. There’s a stretch of awkward silence. Juyeon gulps. “We should...we should probably get going right? Otherwise, we’re going to be late” 

Hyunjae glances down at his watch, nodding. When he looks back up at Juyeon he has that relaxed smile like nothing happened, just like that morning. Yet again, it feels like Hyunjae has just flipped a switch, turned off all the lights, leaving whatever had just happened between them in the dark to be forgotten. 

“Race you to the cashier!” Hyunjae yells, grabbing the basket and sprinting off. 

Juyeon doesn’t give chase, standing rooted to the ground. Only when Hyunjae turns around to ask him what he’s doing does he start running, ignoring how heavy his legs feel.  
_____

There’s yet another commotion with drunken yelling and laughter, making Juyeon wince. His modest home has been transformed into a cheap nightclub, crowds of strangers dancing wildly or getting rowdy with drinking games right in his living room. He has already hidden his parent’s prized collection of china in their bedroom, and he’s praying that no one breaks anything else. 

He wants to go downstairs and check, but Hyunjae is still holed up in his room, taking ages to get ready. Juyeon knocks impatiently on the door. “Hyunjae? Are you done? Changmin is here already!” 

There’s a groan before Hyunjae comes trudging out of the room, towel over his head. “What do I do!” he whines, lips curling into a pout, “my hair is still wet!”

Juyeon chuckles under his breath, shaking his head. “Come here” Hyunjae shuffles forward, letting Juyeon dry his hair for him. 

“I told you that you should have started getting ready earlier” 

“I didn’t know your stupid hairdryer wasn’t working!” Hyunjae grumbles, “I told _you_ to get a new one a billion times!”

Juyeon ruffles Hyunjae’s hair around, making it look like a bird’s nest. “Stop that!” Hyunjae whines, slapping his arm. “Okay okay,” Juyeon complies, biting his back laughter. 

He gently cards his fingers through Hyunjae’s hair, drying section by section with the towel. Hyunjae hums under his breath with a pleased smile, playing with the hem of Juyeon’s shirt to keep himself from getting restless. It starts to feel rather intimate, making Juyeon’s heart squeeze tightly in his chest. 

It gets worse when Hyunjae wiggles his head to peek out from beneath the towel. “Is it done?” he asks, peering up at Juyeon with those _damning_ doe eyes. 

Juyeon coughs, feeling his face grow warm. Hyunjae’s face is a little too close for him to think straight. “I can’t get it completely dry with a towel,” he says, yanking the towel down to cover Hyunjae’s face for his own sanity, “you have to let it dry naturally”

Hyunjae yelps, pulling the damp towel off his face. “Yah!”

“We’re gonna be late” Juyeon says, turning on his heel and marching down the staircase, leaving Hyunjae to run after him, damp hair flopping around. 

Upon reaching the foot of the staircase, they get thrown into the bustling crowd, sweaty bodies mashed together. After much difficult searching, they finally manage to find Younghoon and Changmin in the kitchen, although Juyeon is half sure they were about to make out if not for Hyunjae bouncing in and tackling Changmin with a huge hug. 

“Congratulations on your win!” Hyunjae cheers loudly, earning him several stares. Changmin giggles, a bashful grin on his face. “Thank you so much!”

Juyeon gives a little round of applause. “Congrats! You have to show me a video sometime” 

Hyunjae can’t stop fawning over Changmin, praising him non-stop while pinching his cheeks. Younghoon pulls Changmin back into his arms with a possessive frown. “Hey, find your own dancer. This one is mine” 

Changmin squeaks, cheeks turning pink. Hyunjae snorts, before looping his arm around Juyeons, pulling him into his side. 

“I also have a dancer!” he sassed, sticking out his tongue playfully. He leans his head on Juyeon’s shoulder. “Juyeonie is mine!”

“Isn’t that right?” Hyunjae asks, looking up at Juyeon. Hyunjae is just fooling around like always, but Juyeon’s heart is beating way too fast to play along. “What are you saying?” he says lamely, shrugging Hyunjae off his arm. They laugh, thinking Juyeon is just being a savage. He isn’t, in fact, he had to make an escape to the cooler because his cheeks are turning so red at the idea of belonging to Hyunjae. 

When he comes back with a cold beer pressed to his cheek, Younghoon and Changmin are already gone. “Changmin’s dance crew was looking for him,” Hyunjae explains. Juyeon nods, throat still feeling too dry to give a verbal response.

“Wanna dance?” Hyunjae asks, gesturing to the dance floor that his living room has become. Juyeon furiously shakes his head. He barely recovered from Hyunjae uttering one mindless sentence, and now he has to watch Hyunjae _dance_? Not fucking happening. 

“Shall we just go drink on the balcony? My head kinda hurts” 

Hyunjae agrees, so they grab a couple of drinks before retreating to the balcony, which luckily for them, was still empty when they got there. Juyeon sighs the peaceful silence a sweet relief from the ear-splitting music. 

“Finally” Juyeon breathes, “a little peace and quie-”

“Hyung!” A scream pierces through, accompanied by the resounding bang of the sliding glass door against the frame. The two friends whip their head around, startling at the familiar faces they are greeted with. 

“When did you guys get here?” Hyunjae asks, a wide smile growing on his lips. Eric bounds onto the balcony, throwing himself on Juyeon’s lap. Haknyeon follows with an equal amount of energy, swinging his hips to the Shakira song blasting from inside. Sunwoo shuts the door behind them with an apologetic grimace, immediately reaching for the bottle of soju. 

“We’ve been here for a while, but those two were too busy showing off their ‘moves’ on the dance floor” Sunwoo explains, using his hands to sign quotation marks. 

“Eric got moves?” Juyeon asks in surprise, before tsk-ing loudly because Eric has just snatched his cup right out of his hands and downed its entire content. 

“If you count doing the renegade over 50 times non-stop then _yes_ , Eric got moves - plenty of them” 

“50 times? You can’t be serious” Hyunjae says, but Sunwoo gives him a pointed look that shows that he is being serious, very much so. 

“Don’t even get me started on Haknyeon” he sighs, pouring himself another shot as he glances over at the bright Jeju boy who has very creatively used an empty bottle of beer as a makeshift microphone. “Have you ever heard a trot version of WAP?”

“...No?”

“Lucky you”

They spend hours cooped up at the balcony, preferring to be in each other’s company instead of mingling with the strangers inside. Haknyeon slowly starts to sober up but Eric on the other hand just gets more drunk, chugging down shots after shots despite his hyung’s protests. 

“I’ll get us more drinks” Hyunjae offers, standing up and stretching his stiff limbs, “what do y'all want?” He takes note of everyone’s orders except for Eric, pointedly ignoring the maknae’s requests for more soju. 

“Do you want me to come with you?” Juyeon asks. Hyunjae waves his hand, smiling softly. “It’s okay, you stay here” Juyeon nods reluctantly, watching the older leave. 

“You’re staring” 

Juyeon snaps his head away from the balcony door, feigning innocence when he looks at Sunwoo. “What?”

Sunwoo laughs, hard and loud. “Don’t even try covering it up! It’s so obvious, you couldn’t take your eyes off him the entire time” 

“I was not!” Juyeon grumbles, even though both Sunwoo and he knew full well he was lying. 

“How long has it been?”

“6 years and counting, impressive isn’t it?”

Sunwoo snorts. “Don’t know if I would call pining over someone for 6 years _impressive_ ”

Juyeon brings the bottle directly to his lips, taking a large swig. “How’s your love life? Hopefully not as pathetic as mine” 

Sunwoo blushes, fiddling with the can of beer in his hands. “Well...there’s this guy..”

Choi Chanhee - That’s the name Sunwoo says with a shy smile. Sunwoo rattles on and on about his new relationship, which some may find tiresome to listen to but Juyeon listens to every word, unable to control a smile - he’s always been a romantic sap. 

But there’s a fit of aching jealousy in his chest which he can’t ignore, no matter how hard he tries. He wants what Sunwoo and Chanhee have, he wants what Younghoon and Changmin have, he just wants to love. Each day it gets harder to wait, to hold it all in, to not pull Hyunjae close and tell him the words that are on the tip of his tongue every time their eyes meet. 

His thoughts are interrupted when the balcony door is pried open, followed by Hyunjae stumbling in with a very drunk Kevin who’s wailing loudly in his hands. “Um guys? A little help?”

Juyeon rushes over, helping Hyunjae carry Kevin to the couch. Sunwoo and Haknyeon push the chairs out of their way, yelling instructions and directions. Eric is still too drunk to be of any use, but he seems to sober up at the sight of Kevin’s small frame shaking with sobs.

“What happened?” Sunwoo demands when they finally settle Kevin down.

“I don’t know!” Hyunjae says, yanking a bunch of tissues from the box for Kevin to use, “I found him at the corner of the kitchen crying with a bottle of tequila”

Haknyeon scrunches his nose in confusion, “but Kevin hates tequila”

“Sangyeon likes tequila” Kevin hiccups, the first thing he finally manages to say through his sobs. 

“Where is he by the way?” Juyeon asks, peering back into the house in search of Kevin’s boyfriend. 

“We broke up”

There’s a stunned silence. Everyone exchanges wildly shocked glances, jaws hanging open - except for Hyunjae, who only sighs quietly. “B-broke up?!” Sunwoo finally splutters, “What? What happened?!” 

Juyeon’s mind fights against processing Kevin’s words, the news sounding too absurd to be true. It doesn’t make any sense. Kevin and Sangyeon were the perfect couple, anyone who knew them would call them a match made in heaven. Juyeon watched their relationship grow over the course of 5 long years, how they remained completely smitten with each other throughout. He was waiting to hear about their engagement, not a _breakup_. 

“He started becoming really busy after he took on that internship at the bank” Kevin croaks out, bursting into tears all over again at having to talk about Sangyeon, “He always came back tired, we barely got to talk or spend time with each other anymore. Then I started to get jealous at all his co-workers, and then we kept arguing”

“Everything just got so bad, we got angry with each other over the most stupid things. One day we both just had enough. We couldn’t go on, if we were like this now, how would we be able to spend our lives together?”

Haknyeon hugs Kevin tightly, letting him cry into his shoulder. Hyunjae passes another tissue to Kevin but he remains quiet, expression rather stoic. 

“I know you still love him a lot Kev” Sunwoo says, holding his hand gently, “but the relationship was getting toxic. It’s better for both of you to have ended things instead of hurting each other even more” 

“But now I’ve lost him. I’ve lost him forever”

“You guys can still be friends” Juyeon offers, but Kevin shakes his head. 

“We can’t,” he says, “things can’t go back to the way they were. Everything is ruined”

“Don’t say that” Juyeon protests, but a look from Sunwoo reminds him that now is probably not the time for that. He switches to words of comfort, hoping they help soothe the pain a little. They go around , taking turns to offer their own pieces of advice and consolations. Eric can’t form a coherent sentence but he does throw himself onto Kevin, hugging him tightly. 

Soon, they’ve all spoken except Hyunjae, who’s been uncharacteristically quiet. All gazes fall on him, waiting expectantly. Hyunjae clears his throat, shifting uncomfortably. 

“I’m….I’m really sorry that happened Kev. We’re here for you if you need anything. But I hope this teaches you to be more careful, you should have seen this coming” 

Everyone instantly freezes. Haknyeon cups his mouth, Sunwoo mouths a curse and Juyeon gapes in horror, trying to figure out what just possessed his best friend to say something so awfully insensitive. 

Kevin looks up from where his head is buried in Haknyeon’s shoulder, taken aback. “W-what?”

“I’m just saying-”

“Hyunjae” Juyeon snaps, cutting his sentence short. Hyunjae looks at him in confusion, “what?”

It only angers Juyeon even more, the fact that Hyunjae is so oblivious to the damage he’s causing. “We need to talk,” he says, shoving his chair back as he stands up. Hyunjae still remains seated, eyebrows now furrowing. “What? Now?”

“Yes, _now_ ” Juyeon grits out, grabbing Hyunjae’s elbow to haul him out the chair. He ignores Hyunjae’s annoyed protests, dragging the older all the way back to his room and slamming the door shut. 

“What was that?!” Juyeon immediately demands, throwing a hand into the air. Hyunjae tilts his head, looking lost. “What?”

“ _‘You should have seen this coming’_ How could you say that?!” 

Hyunjae crosses his arms over his chest “What? I’m not wrong”

“They were a happy couple who were deeply in love for over 5 years, how the hell was he supposed to see it coming?”

“I’m just saying,” Hyunjae says slowly as if it’s common sense, “it’s not surprising if relationships don’t work out, I don’t get why everyone expects it to”

Juyeon squints in confusion. “Why is it not surprising?”

“Being in a relationship is hard and complicated, everything could easily get fucked up”

“Isn’t that a little harsh?”

“No it isn’t” Hyunjae retorts sharply, “I’m just being realistic” 

“I mean sure, being in a relationship isn’t easy” Juyeon argues, the sap in him that loves romance getting defensive, “but it’s worth it isn’t it, to be able to love the person you love” 

“It’s worth it assuming everything works out in the end, which rarely happens. Literally just look at Kevin and Sangyeon. You yourself said they were a ‘happy couple who was deeply in love for over 5 years’, and it still didn’t work out between them. Now they have all this shit between them and are never going to talk to each other again. So tell me Juyeon, is it still _‘worth it’_?”

Hyunjae’s mocking tone pisses Juyeon off. “You’re basing this shitty viewpoint over one relationship. There’s plenty of other relationships that work out in the end!”

Hyunjae snorts, rolling his eyes. “You’re so idealistic sometimes” 

“And you’re so bloody cynical!” Juyeon snaps back, gritting his teeth, “why are you being such an asshole about this?” 

“I’m just telling you the truth! How are you still so goddamn naive after all these years?”

The words sting, Hyunjae doesn’t even look the slightest bit apologetic. Juyeon clenches his jaw. “you’re being really unfair”

“To who?!” Hyunjae finally yells, angry. He doesn’t get why Juyeon is making an argument out of this. “Huh? It’s not like there’s someone who’s in love with me” 

Juyeon feels like he’s just been slapped in the face, _hard_. He looks away, trying to keep it together. He has to ignore Hyunjae’s words and pretend that they’re nothing. He has to swallow down what he wants to say and move on. He has to just shut up and live with the fact that Hyunjae doesn’t know, and he never will. 

But he just _can’t_. 

He shoves Hyunjae against the nearest wall, crowding tight and caging him in. His hand slams against the space next to Hyunjae’s head, curling into a tight fist as his emotions start to make him shake. 

“You couldn’t-” he breathes out, leaning in so close that his breath fans Hyunjae’s lips. “- _god_ you couldn’t be more wrong”

Hyunjae’s eyes widen, gaze darting around Juyeon’s face. He parts his lips, trying to ask what he means but Juyeon is surging forward, kissing him hard. 

Hyunjae’s head tips back from the force, hitting the wall with a dull thud. Juyeon’s lips move messily - desperate with no rhythm. He can’t think straight, raw pain tearing through every fibre of his body and consuming him whole. 

_Me. I am. I’m in love with you. Why can’t you see that?_

Tears start to prick behind his eyelids and his lungs burn for air. He pulls away, a wet smack echoing through the room. Head hanging low in guilt, Juyeon blinks away the tears. His shoulders are sagging and he feels like collapsing along with them but he can’t. He needs to apologise - he shouldn’t have done that. 

He can’t even bring himself to look Hyunjae in the eye. He keeps his head down, dragging his hand across his face as if he can wipe off the shame. 

“God I’m so sorry I-”

Hyunjae dips his head down and crashes their lips together, cutting him off. 

There’s a tension that steeps in as they stay like that, lips pressed together but unmoving. But slowly it starts to build, getting heavier and heavier. The next moment it just _cracks_ and they’re kissing fiercely, lips sliding against each other urgently. 

Juyeon licks into Hyunjae’s mouth, relishing the way Hyunjae whimpers and throws his arms around his neck, fisting one hand into his hair to tug him closer. He presses Hyunjae harder against the wall, gripping his slender waist, letting out a deep groan at how good Hyunjae’s body feels against his. His head is spinning, body burning from inside out. He can’t think of anything else, every single one of his senses hyperfocused on Hyunjae and Hyunjae alone. 

They stumble to the bed, falling onto the mattress in a tangle of limbs. Juyeon feverishly nibbles and sucks on Hyunjae’s bottom lip, drawing out soft whines and mewls. The noises Hyunjae makes are addicting, Juyeon doesn’t think he can stop, especially not with Hyunjae opening his mouth wider to deepen the kiss. 

After a while the need for air becomes too intense. Juyeon pulls away, propping himself up on both arms as he tries to catch his breath. He opens his eyes, gaze falling onto the boy beneath him.

Hyunjae is panting heavily, cheeks flushed, nearly as red as his swollen lips shining with saliva. His eyelashes flutter gently as he looks up at Juyeon, doe eyes delicate around the edges. 

He’s absolutely breathtaking, and Juyeon is so in love. 

He slowly bends down, ready to reconnect their lips when Hyunjae suddenly places a palm on his chest, halting him in place.

“Stop”

His voice is shaky, fingers trembling. Juyeon’s eyes widen in alarm, immediately pulling away.

“What? Are you okay?”

Hyunjae’s face is pale, chest heaving unsteadily as he pushes Juyeon away, scrambling off the bed. Juyeon’s mind frantically replays what just happened, trying to figure out where things had suddenly gone wrong. 

“Hyunjae what? What is it? Are you okay? Talk to me”

He tries to reach for Hyunjae but Hyunjae flinches away - and to Juyeon’s horror, there are tears streaming down his face.

“We shouldn’t have done that'' Hyunjae whispers, over and over again like a broken tape. The words are like a knife to Juyeon’s chest, driving in deeper each time they are repeated. 

He ignores the hurtful words, trying to be understanding. “Do you need some space right now? I’ll leave. We’ll talk after you’ve calmed down okay?”

“N-no” Hyunjae hiccups through his tears, grabbing his phone and wallet, “I need to go”

“What?” Juyeon asks, watching in disbelief as Hyunjae storms to the door. This isn’t fair, one second everything is perfect and the next second it all just crashes and burns with no explanation. 

“Hyunjae please, _please_ can you at least tell me what’s wrong?”

Hyunjae stops at the door, but he doesn’t even turn around.

“This was a mistake” 

That's all he says before running away, taking Juyeon's heart right along with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha wasn't that fun!
> 
> i'll try to upload chap 3 (aka the last and final chap) asap so do keep a lookout for that. once again kudos and comments are deeply appreciated, thank you so much to all those who left some already <3 also rmb if you have any songs you think suit this fic please let me know in the comments or you can tell me via [twt](https://twitter.com/miraebbi) or [cc](https://curiouscat.me/miraebbi)
> 
> until next time, please take care of yourselves! drink more water and get plenty of rest <3


	3. chapter 3

chapter 3 - _the long winter has passed, come to me with the spring of yours_

_“The user you are trying to call is not available at the moment, please try again later”_

Juyeon slams his phone down on the couch, clenching his jaw so hard that it might break. Again, Hyunjae isn’t picking up his calls _again_. His best friend has been avoiding him for what would be weeks now, ignoring every single text and call he sent, staying away from all the places he usually frequents. The acne littering his forehead is just a brief indication of how stressed out he is. He can barely manage a smile nowadays, even with Eric’s best attempts to goof around. He’s just so worried - it wasn’t like Hyunjae to act like this. His best friend was always a firm believer in communication, in talking things out, even when it was uncomfortable to do so. 

Juyeon walks to the coffee shop near his university with just enough change for one large iced americano. He’s been losing lots of sleep lately, going about each day deeply exhausted. But the pile of assignments on his desk don’t seem to care much for his predicament, demanding that they be completed on time, so here Juyeon is, scratching his neck awkwardly when the barista asks him if he’s sure he wants to add yet _another_ shot of espresso to his coffee. 

“Yes please, if it’s not too much of a hassle” The barista assures him it isn’t but shoots him one more look of concern before rummaging for more coffee beans. Juyeon leans against the counter, mindlessly scrolling through his phone as he waits. 

The bell hanging against the door chimes loudly, indicating the arrival of a new customer. “Welcome!” the barista greets from behind the counter. Juyeon looks up from his phone, purely out of his instinct, but his world is unexpectedly thrown right off balance. 

Hyunjae is standing by the door, frozen in place, eyes wide in horror. 

“One americano for Juyeon?”

Juyeon doesn’t respond, barely able to breathe as he and Hyunjae stare at each other, neither one of them moving. He wonders if the other patrons in the cafe can feel the suffocating tension between them. 

Juyeon takes one step forward and that instantly has Hyunjae turning sharply on his heel and walking right out, hurrying away as fast as his legs can carry him. Juyeon swears under his breath, mumbling ‘hold on one sec’ to the barista before squeezing past all the chairs and tables to sprint out of the door. 

He stumbles onto the pavement, right into the crowd of people walking through. He frantically whips his head around, trying to locate the brunette but all he sees are unfamiliar faces, muttering and glaring at him for blocking the walkway. He yanks at the roots of his hair, so unbelievably frustrated that he might just scream. 

_Why do you keep running away?_

_____

The next few days Juyeon immerses himself in his assignments, which surprisingly serve as a good distraction for the absolute wreck that is his feelings right now. He’s working hard on a reading assignment when the doorbell rings, disrupting his task. He doesn’t want to answer it, but being the only one at home, he’s left with no choice. 

Thinking it’s someone to deliver a parcel, he opens the door with a friendly smile. But the moment he sees who’s standing on the other side, the smile slips right off his face. 

“Hyunjae?”

“Wow it was so windy today, I thought I was going to get blown away” Hyunjae babbles, barging in unceremoniously. He’s making too much noise - plastic bags rustling, keys jingling in his pocket, feet stomping against the wooden floor. Juyeon doesn’t know if he’s trying to overcompensate for the tense silence that has fallen upon the room, Juyeon also doesn’t know if he should tell him that it’s not _working_. 

“Hyunjae-”

“Have you had dinner yet? I bought chicken! I got us three flavours instead of two because there was a promotion” Juyeon stares at him incredulously, unable to believe the audacity he has. There Hyunjae goes, _again_ , in that painfully casual tone of his, talking and acting like nothing happened, like there isn’t a huge fucking problem staring at them right in the face. 

Juyeon may have let it slide in the past, but this time it drives him practically insane, anger surging through his veins. 

“What the hell are you doing?”

Hyunjae freezes, hands still clutching the plastic bag. “I’m….I’m preparing our dinner” He’s still trying to maintain his unfazed facade, but it’s slipping, hints of nervousness peeking through. 

“Don’t try to play this game with me, don’t try to act like nothing happened”

Hyunjae swallows tightly, looking away. There’s a long silence before he speaks, voice quivering. 

“Nothing….nothing happened” 

Juyeon flinches like he’s just been slapped in the face, _hard_. “What?” he breathes out. He thought he covered all the possible worst-case scenarios, but it seems like he forgot about this one. “We kissed. That’s nothing to you?”

Hyunjae sucks in a sharp breath, wincing. “Why did you have to bring that up?”

Juyeon nearly chokes on his saliva. “Why? Why did I bring _that_ up?” he sneers, “Because it fucking happened!”

Hyunjae sighs in frustration, swivelling away and throwing a hand over his eyes. “Can we” he asks, voice cracking on the last syllable, “can we just pretend like it never did?”

“What? Why?” Juyeon demands.

“Just…” Hyunjae whispers, “ _please_ ”

“Not until you tell me why”

“You wouldn’t get it” 

“Why not?! Just tell me what it is”

“I can’t…you won’t….you’ll try to…” Hyunjae fumbles incoherently, trying to find the words but he can’t. “Never mind I’m sorry” He grabs his bag, making a dash to the door. 

Juyeon rushes forward, blocking his way with his body. “Stop running away! Why do you keep avoiding the problem?”

Hyunjae bites his lips but he keeps it sealed shut, not saying a word. Juyeon’s eyebrows squeeze tight in frustration. 

“When are you going to come to talk to me again?”

Hyunjae stares at the floor, remaining silent. 

“Are you ever going to talk to me again?”

Hyunjae’s gaze tilts up, but still not looking him in the eye. “When you get over this silly crush you have on me” 

Now it’s Juyeon’s turn to fall silent, hands clenching so tightly his knuckles turn white. 

“It’s not some silly _crush_ ” Juyeon whispers, shaking so hard he thinks he might break, “I’m in love with you” 

This time Hyunjae looks at him, but his eyes shine with tears. 

“Don’t. Please don’t be” 

He pushes past Juyeon, shoving his feet into his shoes before running out of the door. 

This time, Juyeon doesn’t try to stop him. 

_____

Hyunjae’s feet pound against the pavement, rubber soles smacking against the concrete as he runs. It was a less than ideal day for a run, the sun ablaze in the sky with little to no clouds for cover. Any gust of wind that came by was rare, only barely caressing his sweat-slicked skin before quickly disappearing, leaving his body burning and aching. But Hyunjae was feeling antsy all day, anxiety and unease clawing at his chest incessantly. He needed some form of relief, a way to get it out of his system before it drives him insane. 

“ _I’m in love with you_ ”

Hyunjae sprints harder, hoping his lungs will start to ache. That way he won’t be able to think of Juyeon’s words, those same few words that have been haunting him ever since it left Juyeon’s mouth. 

He remembers how it felt when Juyeon first kissed him, that spark of excitement that bursted in him, bold and vibrant. He remembers how wrong it felt when Juyeon pulled away, that sudden gaping loss in his chest, the overwhelming desire that he couldn’t resist to pull Juyeon back and let their lips meet once again. 

But he also remembers how it felt, the tightness in his chest when Juyeon stared down at him, still there even now - the horrifying realisation that they crossed the line, that they fucked up, that they pushed themselves into a predicament that Hyunjae strived to avoid. 

_I can’t cross the line. I can’t. I can’t, otherwise-_

Hyunjae feels the remnants of his lunch lurch in his stomach, threatening to eject from his mouth. He immediately stops, bending over the railing as he tries to will the food to stay down. Running didn’t help at all, the unease is still there, perhaps even stronger than ever, and now he just feels sick. He makes his way back home, back hunched, unable to stand straight. 

He trudges through the front door, legs trembling from how much they ache, blisters dotting his feet. He yanks out his earpieces, music so loud he can still hear every word. 

“I’m hom-”

“I can’t believe you have the audacity to even show your face here, get the hell out of my house!”

Hyunjae’s head snaps up, the sweat on his lips tasting awfully sour as he takes in the sight in front of him. “Dad? What are you doing here?”

“Stop being such a fucking bitch!” His father screams at his mother and Hyunjae flinches, he still flinches despite having heard this since he was 11 because he can never get used to it. 

“Dad come on it’s time for you to go-”

“Why don’t you go ask that new whore of yours? Huh? Or is she just as fucking useless as you are?”

“Mom stop” Hyunjae pleads exasperatedly, head already throbbing. He grabs his dad by the elbow, tugging him away. “You should go now I’ll talk to her okay? Just leave please”

“You always need Hyunjae to solve all your problems, stop burdening him so damn much” his father spits out, twisting his head around to shoot a seething glare at his ex-wife. 

“Who’s the one who fucking abandoned him? I’m the one who raised him, you asshole! All by myself!” 

“Can you both please just stop!” Hyunjae snaps, effectively shutting both of them into silence. “Go. Dad please just go” he begs, nudging his father out of the door. His father complies, but not without slamming the door shut behind him, of course. Hyunjae’s mother leaps out of her seat, arms raised, ready to chase him down but Hyunjae quickly hushes her, using his body to block her.

“Mom, seriously, just let it go” Hyunjae urges quietly. His mother looks at him, eyes angry but tired. She heaves out a deep sigh, arms dropping back to her sides in defeat. 

“Fall in love they said” she mutters under her breath, nothing but crude bitterness. “Get married they said. look at how all of that turned out” she gestures to the door vaguely before storming back into her room, slamming the door behind her. 

Hyunjae stands there for a long time, before dragging himself back into his room, sighing heavily as he closes the door. He planned to take a shower as a way to calm down but he finds himself digging into his drawer, fingers fumbling for a gold band. 

His mind tells him he shouldn’t but he pulls it out anyway, blowing away the dust that it had collected. He toys it between his fingers, holding it up to catch the light streaming in. 

It’s his mom’s wedding ring, yanked off her hand and chucked into the corner of the room the day the divorce papers were finalized. 15 year old Hyunjae waited until she retreated into her own room before picking it up, hiding it in his drawer. He kept it, in hopes that one day she would change her mind. 

He sits here, 6 years later, realising she never will. 

Best friends. His parents were best friends, so dearly in love with each other. Although their marriage started falling apart rather early on, he can still remember, fragments of memories from when he was a small child, blurry visions of his parents holding hands as they walk down the street, slow dancing in the middle of their run down one-room apartment, quiet pecks on the lips whenever they welcomed each other home.

Where did it all go so _wrong_? 

For a second Hyunjae imagines him and Juyeon in place of his parents, he imagines Juyeon screaming at him, nothing but hatred in his eyes before he walks away, slamming the door right in his face. He quickly shakes his head, it’s ridiculous, he and Juyeon were more than that, they were better than that, they love each other more than that. 

...right?

Hyunjae sits there, drawing his knees to his chest and cries. 

_____ 

The cafe is quiet, save for the sounds of fingers clacking across a keyboard and occasional peals of laughter that get a bit too loud. Jacob slides the box across the table. “I think that’s everything, let me know if there’s still something missing”

Hyunjae pulls the box onto his lap, sifting through his belongings to ensure that they are all there. “I think it’s all here, I’ll check properly when I get home”

Jacob nods, stirring his iced latte. “So, how have you been?”

“I’m good,” Hyunjae says, sipping on his hot cup of yuzu tea. It’s scalding hot and ends up burning his tongue. Karma for lying. 

“Really? Because no offence but you look kind of….” Jacob pauses, trying to search for a nicer word. 

“Shitty?” Hyunjae says anyway, chuckling at Jacob’s guilty expression. “I guess it’s too obvious huh?”

“What’s wrong?” Jacob asks, eyes tender with concern. Hyunjae doesn’t get how he’s still so nice after all Hyunjae has done to him. He looks away, feeling too ashamed to meet his gaze. 

“Something happened with Juyeon” Jacob immediately tenses at the name, his grip on his cup tightening. Hyunjae notices and instantly berates himself for being so stupid. 

“I’m sorry” he quickly apologises, “what was I thinking? You definitely don’t want to hear about him. Let’s talk about something else”

“No it’s fine,” Jacob says, relaxing a little. “It’s fine, I’m sorry. I overreacted. It’s just….a little hard for me”

Hyunjae nods. Of course it would be, who would find it easy to hear about the person who’s responsible for your break up?

To be fair, Hyunjae had made it clear to Jacob the moment the latter started showing interest in him that he already had feelings for Juyeon. But Jacob, knowing Hyunjae had no plans to pursue Juyeon, was convinced that he could change Hyunjae’s mind. He pushed on, knowing full well the risk he was putting his heart at. 

Hyunjae said yes, thinking this could be his chance to get over Juyeon. It just seemed like a good idea - Jacob was very attractive and a genuinely nice guy - Hyunjae thought that he could fall in love if they tried. 

But the heart is stubborn, awfully so, and months down the road they both knew this just wasn’t going to work. It didn’t matter how hard they tried, Hyunjae was always going to put Juyeon first.

So they broke up. Jacob initiated it, knowing it’s pointless to go on. Hyunjae cried his heart out that night - over the guilt of not being to love Jacob back, over the loss of a chance to move on, and over the fact that he’s _still_ in love with Juyeon, no matter how badly he does not want to be. 

“Tell me what happened”

Hyunjae eyes Jacob sceptically. “Are you sure? We really don’t have to”

“No,” Jacob says, giving a resigned sigh. His shoulders are relaxed now, no longer stiff. “I want to hear it actually” 

Hyunjae clears his throat, hesitant but he tells Jacob anyways, starting from that night at Changmin’s party. 

“-and then a few days ago, he told me he’s in love with me”

Jacob’s eyes widened. “Isn’t that a good thing? He reciprocates your feelings!”

Hyunjae shakes his head, “I don’t want him to” 

“What? Why?”

“I don’t want us to cross that line”

Jacob tilts his head, confused. “Why not?”

“It’s too risky,” Hyunjae says, sighing deeply. “You know how relationships are, things get complicated. It can all go so wrong, and people end up never speaking to each other again.”

Hyunjae gestures to both of them. “Just look at you and me, we used to be such good friends. But now after everything that has happened between us…...let’s be real, we can never go back to how things were. Even just sitting here over coffee feels a little awkward” 

Jacob grimaces, but he doesn’t say anything. An unspoken yes, the truth being too ugly to openly agree with. There’s a moment of silence, perhaps a time to mourn over what they used to have before Hyunjae continues. 

“Juyeon is …. I know this sounds stupid, cliche” he says with a dry laugh, 

“But he’s _everything_ to me. It wasn’t easy when my father left. I know he still loves me and we have a good relationship but..but it still felt like he abandoned me you know? It was a tough time for my mom, she lost the love of her life, kind of lost herself too. She had to spend a lot of time focusing on herself, getting back up on her own feet which I completely understand and I’m proud of her, so proud but” Hyunjae pauses, tears clogging up his throat. 

“But I was all alone. I had no one to talk to, no one to comfort me. I always had to act strong and pretend I was fine”

“Then I met Juyeon - he was the new kid who just moved in next door. He was so tall, and his limbs were so long, almost to the point where I was kind of freaked out” Hyunjae recalls with a small smile on his lips, eyes still watery. Jacob laughs knowingly, having seen pictures of Juyeon when he was younger. 

“And he was always there for me, every single time. Divorce is a long and painful process, my dad had to come back many times to settle the paperwork. But it was terrible, he would always end up arguing with my mom for hours, I _hated_ it. Juyeon knew, so every time he saw my dad’s car arrive he would quickly call me out of the house. He would let me sit at the back of his bike and bring me to eat ice cream or whatever I wanted” 

“There was one time I was being stupid and fooling around, trying to distract him while he was cycling. He told me to stop but I didn’t listen. I accidentally pushed him too hard and we both ended up falling off the bike. That’s how I got this scar” Hyunjae explains, pointing to his elbow.

“But Juyeon….his was worse. He fractured his collarbone, couldn’t even turn his head for weeks. I felt terrible. And I thought this was it, he’s never going to come and help me again” 

“But the next time my dad came around, Juyeon he...he still showed up at my door” Hyunjae whispers, feeling the tears come right back. “Said we can just walk instead, enjoy the scenery more” 

“If you were me,” Hyunjae says, lifting his head to look Jacob straight in the eye, “would you be able to do it? Would you be able to risk it?”

Jacob flounders, mouth falling open but there is no sound. Jacob, who always knows what to say, can’t answer him.

But that itself is already an answer.

_____

Hyunjae drags his feet along the pavement, exhausted from a long day of classes. He window-shops as he walks, a way to relieve his stress and a form of distraction. He’s just mindlessly looking when a flower shop appears into view. The stunning, vibrant colours make him halt right in his step. It’s gorgeous - flowers wrapped in delicate bouquets displayed behind the glass window. He is inevitably lured in, walking into the shop to take a closer look. 

The owner gives him a friendly greeting from behind the counter, which he returns with a polite bow and smile of his own. He spends a long time marvelling over the wide array of flowers - tulips, roses, baby breaths, and so many more he’s never even seen or heard of. 

There’s a vase of flowers behind the counter, tucked away in a corner. Hyunjae doesn’t even see it until he tilts his head to stretch his stiff neck, his gaze landing on them by chance. They are rather unassuming, a plain white colour compared to the bright saturated hues the other flowers in the shop proudly boast. It’s delicate petals droop in a bell shape, and for some reason the more Hyunjae stares at it, the prettier it looks. 

He chats with the owner for a bit before pointing at them. “What are those?”

The owner turns around, lips curling into a fond smile when she sees what he’s pointing at. She carries the vase to the counter for him to take a closer look. “These are called snowdrops. Bravest flower I know”

Hyunjae raises his eyebrows. “Brave?” He asks, unable to control the amusement in his voice. 

But the owner nods sincerely, caressing the snowdrops gently. “They are the first flower to bloom after winter has passed. Imagine that - despite having just endured horribly cold and dark days, they still find the courage to bloom” 

There’s a pang in Hyunjae’s chest. He gazes at the flowers with envy, letting out a deep sigh. “Where do they find such courage?” 

The owner looks out of the window wistfully. “Well, spring always comes doesn’t it? Each time without fail. They can always trust in spring to come and bring the warmth they need” 

Something about her words hit Hyunjae right in the gut. He can’t even manage a response, simply standing there with a lump in his throat. The owner removes a few stalks from the vase, wrapping it up before placing it on the counter in front of Hyunjae. 

“Here you go” 

Hyunjae snaps back into attention, looking at her with wide eyes. “Huh?” 

The owner smiles. “You look like you like them. You can have them, there isn’t enough of them to put up for sale” 

“Oh” Hyunjae breathes out, cradling the bundle gently in his hands, “thank you” 

Someone calls out from the front, cutting their exchange short. The two exchange polite bows, bidding each other goodbye before the owner hobbles away to attend to the customer. 

But Hyunjae doesn’t leave. Instead, he stands there for a long time, thinking and _thinking_. The snowdrops feel heavy in his hands, and there’s a poignant feeling in his chest that he can’t quite understand. 

Out of the blue his phone buzzes, snapping him out of his reverie. There’s a notification from Jacob. He thinks about ignoring it at first, but something is nagging at him to read it now so he swipes across the screen, reading the message. 

**Jacob** : _I thought about what you asked me the last time. I’m sorry it took me so long to answer but yes, if I was you, I would risk it._

 _Have you ever thought that Juyeon is equally scared of losing you? But he still risked it anyway. There must be a reason, and I’m sure you know what it is._

It slowly seeps in, like light slowly spreading across the sky at sunrise. When it sets in Hyunjae’s nose starts to burn, tears welling up in his eyes. 

It’s in a tiny flower shop hidden within the busy streets of Seoul that Hyunjae realises maybe, just _maybe_ ;

The love that he and Juyeon have is something worth risking everything for. 

______

But still, life isn’t that easy, Hyunjae doesn’t run to Juyeon’s house, bang on his door and loudly proclaim his love. Feelings are a little more complicated than that, which is why Hyunjae is currently pacing back and forth in his apartment, nervously glancing at his phone screen that displays Juyeon’s contact. He gnaws his lip, so hard he nearly draws blood, thumb hovering over the call button hesitantly. 

_What do I say? How do I say it? Should I just text him instead? Should I tell him over the phone? Do I ask him to meet me now? It’s raining though. Tomorrow? Is that too late? Am I too late?_

“Fuck” he groans, plopping down on his bed and letting his hand drop down on the mattress, placing his phone out of his sight for a moment. He needs more time to think, although he’s already been contemplating this for hours. He sighs deeply, hoping to physically expel the unease in his chest before bringing his phone back in front of his face. But one look at his phone screen has his heart plummeting. 

_Calling: Juyeonie_

“What the fuck!” Hyunjae hisses, frantically smashing the red button to end the call, only managing to successfully hang up just when Juyeon picked up. He throws his phone against his pillows, burying his face into the mattress before screaming at the top of his lungs. How could he be so stupid as to accidentally call Juyeon? 

“I need a damn bath, I can’t do this shit” he mutters to himself, practically throwing himself into his bathroom. He runs a hot bath, throwing in his favourite lavender soap before immersing himself in, hoping to relax a little. He spends a good amount of time there, trying to calm his racing heart.

It doesn’t work. 

With an irritated groan, he heaves himself out of the tub, but not before thrashing his legs around like a 5 year old throwing a tantrum, (he might as well). He carefully avoids the water that has splashed onto the floor, slipping into a fresh change of clothes before shuffling out. 

He’s met with the sound of his phone vibrating incessantly on his bed, shaking so much it might just fall off the mattress. Hyunjae takes a glance at his screen, gasping out loud when he sees a flood of missed calls and messages from Juyeon. 

**Juyeonie** : _Why did you call me?_

 **Juyeonie** : _Are you okay?_

**(1 missed call)**

**Juyeonie** : _Pick up_

**(2 missed calls)**

**Juyeonie** : _Hyunjae I’m serious. Pick up_

 **Juyeonie** : _Did something happen?_

 **Juyeonie** : _Are you okay? Talk to me_

**(3 missed calls)**

**Juyeonie** : _Pick up. Please_

Hyunjae’s phone rings - an incoming call from Juyeon. Hyunjae presses accept, hands shaking as he brings the phone to his ear. 

“H-hello?

“Hyunjae?” Juyeon’s voice is urgent, worried. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“....Nothing happened. I called you by….by accident. I’m sorry”

“Then why didn’t you pick up my calls” 

“I was in the shower” Hyunjae whispers, fidgeting with his sheets, feeling horribly guilty. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear my phone. I’m so sorry”

It’s fine” Juyeon’s response comes, curt and cold. Hyunjae is grasping at the straws for a response when he suddenly notices something. He presses his phone against his ear harder, carefully listening to the noise on the other end. 

“Juyeon? …..Where are you?”

Juyeon doesn’t respond, and that just gives Hyunjae the opportunity to listen closer, to clearly hear the unfiltered noise of the rain, of cars whizzing by. Juyeon isn’t at home - he’s outside, somewhere. 

A possibility pops up in Hyunjae’s mind, although he quickly pushes it away. _There’s no way_. But his mind keeps harping on it insistently and there’s really no harm in checking. 

His chest is tight with anticipation as he walks to his window, flinging it open and peering outside. 

And there he is - Juyeon, standing outside his apartment in the middle of the pouring rain. 

_“Spring always comes doesn’t it? Each time without fail”_

“You don’t need to know. I’m hanging up no-”

“I see you” 

Juyeon freezes for a moment before his head slowly lifts up, meeting Hyunjae’s gaze. 

“Sorry. I’ll leave now” Juyeon says, voice tight. 

“Why did you come?” Hyunjae demands, breaths coming out in unsteady pants. “You came all the way here to see me. Why?”

There’s a long silence before Juyeon’s reply comes. “I thought something happened” There’s another pause before Juyeon adds, like he was trying to hold back but he couldn’t help himself. “I was worried about you”

“Why?” Hyunjae whispers, heart twisting and aching. “I hurt you, why do you still care?”

Juyeon’s grip around the handle of his umbrella tightens. “You know why” 

_I’m in love with you_

But this time Juyeon doesn’t say it. He’s too scared.

Hyunjae glances back at the snowdrops sitting on his bedside table. _Courage_. 

This time, it’s Hyunjae’s turn to be brave. 

“Stay there” 

“What?”

“Just,” Hyunjae says, throwing the hood over his head and slipping on his shoes, leaving the laces loose and untied. “stay there, I’m coming”

“But-“ Hyunjae hangs up, pocketing his phone and rushing out of the door, too frantic to remember to take his umbrella.

He ditches the lift, skipping steps as he runs down the staircase. His chest burns from the lack of oxygen but he keeps moving, flinging the door open and dashing out. He runs, right out into the pouring rain, through the parking lot and out of the main entrance. He finally turns the corner and comes face to face with Juyeon who’s a few metres away, eyes widening in alarm as he watches Hyunjae get drenched. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Juyeon yells, storming forward. He grabs Hyunjae, yanking him under his umbrella. 

“Are you crazy?” Juyeon snaps, tilting his umbrella forward to ensure Hyunjae is fully covered, not caring for his own back that starts to get soaked. “Seriously what are you doing you’re gonna-”

“I’m sorry”

Juyeon stops, mouth slowly closing shut. Hyunjae stares at the ground, at the puddles forming beneath their feet, unable to look Juyeon in the eye. 

“I’m sorry for being too scared”

Juyeon stiffens, frowning in confusion. “Scared?”

“I was scared - about us. I thought if we became something more, I might lose you. I know it’s horrible but...I thought we might end up like how my parents did. I didn’t want that.”

“But” Hyunjae breathes, heart beating so hard it might tear through his skin. “That was selfish of me. I was just holding both of us back from happiness. You and I, what we have is different, it’s something worth trusting in” 

The umbrella above them starts to shake. Juyeon’s breaths are coming out shallow, unsteady. “Hyunjae-”

“I’m in love with you”

Hyunjae says, loud and clear for Juyeon to hear each word over the rain crashing down around them. “I’m in love with you too, and I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you”

Juyeon stares at him, speechless. Hyunjae finds the last bit of courage in him to cup Juyeon’s face with his trembling hands, pulling him in and locking their lips together. 

The way Juyeon’s mouth moulds against his is perfect and complete, like a puzzle piece falling right into place. It doesn’t feel like the first time they kissed, exploding fireworks and stars, exciting and dazzling. This time, it’s a warmth that gradually seeps from fingertips and right to the core of his heart, 

This time, it felt like coming home. 

Hyunjae simply holds his lips there, too afraid to make another move. He holds it there and waits for Juyeon’s response but the younger remains frozen, lips still and unmoving. 

Fear instantly invades Hyunjae’s mind. He backs away, hands dropping to his side. 

“S-sorry” he croaks out, searching into Juyeon’s wide eyes, “is it..am i too late?”

Juyeon stares at him, silent and intense. 

But then his lips slowly stretch into a smile. 

“It definitely took you long enough” he chuckles, shaking his head. He cups a hand around Hyunjae’s cheek, pulling him in to press their foreheads together. 

“But it’s okay, I was waiting for you” Juyeon whispers, “just like I always have”

Hyunjae breaks into a smile, one that turns into a full-fledged grin as happiness wraps around his heart and hugs it tight, promising to stay there forever. Juyeon, at the sight of the boy he loves smiling so beautifully, can’t help but do the same. He also can’t help but lean in, reconnecting their lips in a deep and fierce kiss. 

Rain falls freely from the sky, letting go of all inhibition. Hyunjae holds Juyeon closer, and finally lets himself fall in love. 

_____

_**8 months later**_

Their feet sink into the damp earth as they stroll along the path, taking in the serene tranquillity of the park. Hyunjae has one hand in his pocket and the other clasped tightly in Juyeon’s warm palm. Juyeon looks over at him,

“What do you want to eat?”

“Hmm…...ice cream?”

“Hyunjae it’s 9 a.m in the morning” 

“You asked me what I wanted to eat!”

Juyeon laughs, running a thumb across Hyunjae’s knuckles. “You have to eat properly”

Hyunjae rolls his eyes, letting out a loud huff. He tries to pull his hand away but Juyeon holds on tight, not letting him go. 

“Come on baby, don’t be like this”

Hyunjae, being the little princess he is, refuses to give in. He stops walking, standing rooted on the spot with a pout. “What’s the point of dating if you still won’t listen to me?”

Juyeon bites back a smile, highly amused with his sulking boyfriend. “If we weren’t dating we wouldn’t be able to do what we did last night”

Hyunjae instantly chokes on his saliva, cheeks flushing red as the memories of Juyeon holding him down onto the mattress flash through his mind. “S-shut up!” he splutters, trying to run away but Juyeon pulls him in, wrapping an arm around his waist to hold him in place. 

“You’re so cute when you’re shy” he coos, pressing a kiss to the tip of Hyunjae’s nose. Hyunjae squirms in his hold, cheeks getting even hotter. “Stop it!”

“Don’t want to” Juyeon retorts playfully. He leans in, kissing Hyunjae on the lips to silence his whines. This time Hyunjae can’t help but melt into his touch, fighting back a smile as Juyeon kisses him sweetly. 

Juyeon slowly pulls away, chuckling when Hyunjae chases his lips. “God I’m too weak for you. I’ll go get you your ice cream okay?”

Hyunjae grins, nodding gleefully. “I’ll wait here!” Juyeon shakes his head, giving Hyunjae’s lips one last peck before jogging to the ice cream cart in the distance. 

Hyunjae stays in his spot, rocking back and forth on his heels. He hums under his breath, looking around at his surroundings. Everything is rather bare, the winter frost having sent everyone hiding. But with the return of long days in the sun, there are signs of recovery - tiny leaves peeking out from branches, birds flying between trees, chirping quietly into the chilly air, snow melting away, dissolving into puddles. 

Hyunjae smiles, and he turns to check on Juyeon when something catches his eye, making him gasp in surprise. He walks towards it, kneeling down to have a closer look. 

A snowdrop, alone in a patch of snow. Its petals curl in, sealing themselves shut, hiding from the world. Hyunjae carefully places a finger on it, stroking as gently as he can. 

“It’s okay, you can come out now. Spring is here” he whispers softly. 

“Hyunjae!”

Hyunjae lifts his head. Juyeon is waving two ice cream sticks in the air, his other hand outstretched for Hyunjae to take. There’s a smile on his face, and it’s just as dazzling and radiant as the sunshine that pours down over them. 

Being in love and being loved - Hyunjae finally knows how that feels. He rises to his feet and runs over to Juyeon, grabbing his hand and holding on tight. 

Sunshine beams down on the snowdrop, warm and bright. It melts the snow away and stays by its side, waiting and waiting. 

Slowly, the petals of the snowdrop open up; 

and blooms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end. 
> 
> what an absolute ride this fic has been! this fic was definitely a challenge for me but i still enjoyed the process, and i hope you enjoyed reading it as well. 
> 
> heres the [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7gfxaPFXIbtXKpPpv6JkG7?si=1mvg0SmHSN2edhcJeacmdQ)! spring snow was supposed to be the last song but unfortunately it's not on spotify (fuck kakaoM me and my homies hate kakaoM) anyways big thank you to people who recommended songs for this playlist! the songs are absolutely lovely and they fit the fic so well <3
> 
> a kudos or comment would mean the world to me! u can also find me on [twt](https://twitter.com/miraebbi) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/miraebbi)
> 
> lastly thank you so much for reading this fic, i hope you too will find someone who can be your spring when you're in winter


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